Happy Birthday to You: Honoring your journey as a mother on your child's birthday
- Courtney Mackey Wilbur
- Jul 29, 2024
- 5 min read
When a baby is born, a mother is born.
A new cycle in your matrescence journey begins as you continue to become a new version of you. Whether it is the birth of your 1st or 5th baby, your life will never be the same.
Remember how once the baby was born, people began to only seem to care how the baby was doing? Birthdays can be another example of how our society focuses on everyone but the mother (the woman behind the actual “birth”). When we are performing as a “good mother,” birthdays can potentially be very high pressure days. Just like early motherhood offers many opportunities for judgment, opinions, guilt, and comparison, birthdays (and many other milestones) can stir up a recipe for overwhelm, disconnection, financial and energetic strain, and resentment.
How do we honor ourselves on the birthdays of our children when it seems to be the last thing on the list? We do just that: let go of the expectation of anyone honoring you and simply honor yourself! Otherwise, societal pressures and the mental load can turn a very precious time for you and your child into a burdensome performance where you further lose yourself. focused on planning the perfect party, picking out presents, arguments over guest lists, making the day/week/etc. as magical as possible for your kid and appeasing family members.
Simplify, sanctify, strategize, and synergize. You do not have to bear the load of making this day perfect for everyone but you. Get clear on your priorities, connect what is sacred to you, enlist support, and turn the pressure release valve toward self-compassion and surrender.
Simplify & Sanctify
When we let go of comparison, the need for a “perfect” party or “perfect” anything dissolves. It helps to practice this daily and not just for birthdays, holidays, etc. Turn your awareness from outward appearances/approval to your inner experience. When we approach life in this way, we also model it for our children (making this easier for us all around!).
With your attention turned inward, connecting to your heart and your child’s heart, explore what the core essence of this milestone is: how do you want to feel and how do you want your child to feel? Keep the awareness turned inward as you allow visuals, images, snapshots of feeling this way (together and/or apart from your child) and start to build your celebration from the inside out. Continue to turn the volume down on everything else (ie. questions/comments from family, gift lists, etc.) and slowly curate your family’s unique experience.
When tuned into your heart rather than your head, you may create special rituals to honor the growth of your child and yourself over the past year. Stay connected to the core essence during the construction phase. Decide which relationships are most important for you to honor (ie. with yourself, your child, your nuclear family, etc.). A simple tradition might arise- something that you can begin this year and then continue each year without the mental load of coming up with something new to do.
Make time for filling up your cup and reflecting on your journey over the past year and however many years back to the birth year. Honor your body, heart, and soul. Celebrate how far you have come. Offer yourself compassion and forgiveness for all you have been through and acknowledge the courage and strength it has taken to show up through all of the ups and downs. It is important not to skip this part. The bounce house or gourmet cake really mean nothing if you are a stressed mama. Get the support you need to take care of yourself before, during, and after the celebration and let go of any guilt. If it feels like there is no time for this part, then go back to the beginning, and remember to simplify.
When we let go of comparison, competition, and performance, we create space for nourishment and growth. We also remember that we are models for our children. When we feel delight in the little things, savoring the full experience rather than letting the coulds/woulds/shoulds to creep in, we open ourselves up to the magic of life itself.
Take your time, and consider what would make this birthday feel special (or sacred)to you and your child (suspend any judgments/opinions from anyone else). This will look different for everyone, but if you are looking for some ideas:
Rituals for Mama
Get/cut yourself some flowers
Write a letter to yourself to honor the day of the birth and/or the journey to who you are now
Take a bath; anoint yourself with oils
Read through old journal entries as you reflect on your year or start a new journal and write your first entry
Write a letter to your child (or draw an image, make up a song/dance to capture this past year with them). Share it with them if you wish.
Take a yoga/movement class to celebrate your body
Go for a walk or spend time in nature, honor our cyclicality as human beings, and connect to the “bigger picture” supporting you
Reflect on the past year and/or what you are writing as the next chapter
Gratitude and Strengths Lists- A celebratory list of what you are grateful for and what you are proud of yourself for
Rituals for Family
Alone time with your child (if they are a sibling)
Put pictures around the house of your child over the years (include some with yourself in them and other family members). You may choose to keep a “birthday storage bin” of pictures, decorations, etc. that you can easily put out and add to each year.
Make a photo collage, book, or video/slideshow of the past year
Make a birthday playlist to honor your child from when they were in the womb to now (ie. what music did you listen to when they were in the womb, what songs did you listen to as a family when they were a baby, toddler, etc.)- keep adding to it each year and play it during the day/week of their birthday
Eat a meaningful meal (this could be a food you craved when you were pregnant, your kid’s favorite meal as a kid, etc.)- We were eating Chinese Food when I went into labor with Lila, so we eat that for her birthday every year and reflect on that day <3
Consider going somewhere fun as a family instead of throwing a party
Strategize & Synergize
Once you simplify and get a clear vision of a beautifully balanced birthday celebration, it is time to strategize and synergize: get organized and enlist support. Just as you may be planning a special alone time ritual with your child, your partner (or any family member/friend) can do the same while you take some time for yourself. Any tasks that need to be done can be written out and divided (you do not need to carry it all). Allowing others to help allows them to feel like they are part of the magic too. This can be hard when we want a sense of control on the execution, but we need to remember to surrender to the process since the product is always out of our control. As long as we are staying connected to our values and oriented toward the inner experience, the execution does not matter. Phew!
If stress begins to creep in, check in with yourself and get curious about what’s going on. Are you still feeling connected to your vision of the feeling/essence? Has your motivation shifted from inward to outward? Go back to the drawing board and remember that it’s okay to scale back so that you can be fully present and connected.
The After-Party
Give yourself time and space to recover and reflect. Hold space for all of the emotions that were begging to be felt that you might have pushed down to get through. Journal, breathe, meditate, stretch, walk, dance. Make a collage of pictures from this year’s festivities and make notes for yourself on what was most important.
Happy birthday to you, Mama!
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